Monthly Archives: May 2012

He Loves Me

(This is my wife’s first blog post, a little bit of her journey)

When I found out I was pregnant I thought that God was showing His love for me by giving me a baby.  I basked in the joy every day of knowing life was growing inside me.  This was my special gift.  I knew I would feel it kick soon (my favorite part of being pregnant), I was willing to go through morning sickness (all day) again.  I was excited to think about names and to tell the kids. We were that couple that could never wait beyond the first week to spread the news.  I was sure of it, I was sure God was blessing me extra.

Then it happened.  I was sure of it, I was sure God was taking my baby away.  Why?  Why so soon?  I never got to feel it kick inside me.  We never even picked out a name.  No ultra sound photo, no baby shower, no diapers.  I never even got to find out if it was a boy or a girl. All of a sudden.  Was God not loving me anymore?  Why did He take my gift?  Why did He change His mind?

I have come to find that God was loving me when He gave me my baby and He was loving me when He took it away.  Jeremiah 1:5 talks about Jesus knowing us in our Mother’s womb.  I don’t get to know our baby, but the creator of the world does, intimately.  Our baby will never feel pain, never be lonely or scared or sad.  He or she will never know us on this side of Heaven but he/she will always know Jesus.  I think that is a gift.

I have come to realize God’s love and gift in another way.  Through the loving arms of my husband who held me when I couldn’t cry anymore.  Who rushed me to the hospital when I refused just to see if they could end some of the pain.  Who has taken care of every detail, big and small, for the past 3 days.  I haven’t even had to think of when I took my last medicine, who would take care of the kids and make them happy too.  God has loved me through our friends and family bringing us dinner, gifts and a listening ear.  People who love us to sit and cry with us.  When I woke up to “Dora the Explorer” tucked under my arm that my 3 yr old put there while I was asleep.  I am learning that sometimes God’s gifts may be different than we think they will be, or different than we would originally ask for, but they are no doubt His gifts.  And I am thankful for them.  I wish I could hold my baby in my arms one day, but I know God is holding me and my baby in His.

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A Time to Cry

We lost you almost as quickly as we had found you. Your conception was a surprise, losing you was a shock. We had already thought about what to name you and what it would be like to have a child with a January birthday (your due date was your oldest cousin’s birthday). We wondered what your personality would be like. Would you be thoughtful and silly like Noah, mischievous and graceful like Hannah, or would you have a completely unexpected and unique personality? Who was going to be outnumbered: the boys or the girls? We knew for sure that the adults would be outnumbered – 2 adults and 3 children. I have a particular affection for 3rd children. I always have, I always will …

Your sister would ask every day when the baby would come out. She must have thought that you would hurry if she kept asking. Your brother was excited too, even though he really didn’t understand what to expect. He’s already a great big brother. That would have simply continued.

I just led my first baby dedication service this Mother’s Day. It hit me that, next Mother’s Day, I would want a different pastor to lead the service so that I didn’t have to dedicate my child by myself. Now I can lead it.

You were a victim of the last enemy. The enemy that will one day lose its sting, but it hasn’t yet. The enemy that will be swallowed up forever, but that’s for the new earth. I’ll no longer be able to hear the word “miscarriage” without a twinge of pain in my gut. A reminder of the child that I had hoped would come, but never will.

I can believe with David, “I shall go to him (or her), but he (or she) will not return to me” (2 Samuel 14:23b). One day I’ll see my child. On the day when Jesus wipes every tear from every eye. The Jesus you now see face to face. The Jesus I was going to introduce you to. It looks like you may do that for me one day instead …

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