(This is my wife’s first blog post, a little bit of her journey)
When I found out I was pregnant I thought that God was showing His love for me by giving me a baby. I basked in the joy every day of knowing life was growing inside me. This was my special gift. I knew I would feel it kick soon (my favorite part of being pregnant), I was willing to go through morning sickness (all day) again. I was excited to think about names and to tell the kids. We were that couple that could never wait beyond the first week to spread the news. I was sure of it, I was sure God was blessing me extra.
Then it happened. I was sure of it, I was sure God was taking my baby away. Why? Why so soon? I never got to feel it kick inside me. We never even picked out a name. No ultra sound photo, no baby shower, no diapers. I never even got to find out if it was a boy or a girl. All of a sudden. Was God not loving me anymore? Why did He take my gift? Why did He change His mind?
I have come to find that God was loving me when He gave me my baby and He was loving me when He took it away. Jeremiah 1:5 talks about Jesus knowing us in our Mother’s womb. I don’t get to know our baby, but the creator of the world does, intimately. Our baby will never feel pain, never be lonely or scared or sad. He or she will never know us on this side of Heaven but he/she will always know Jesus. I think that is a gift.
I have come to realize God’s love and gift in another way. Through the loving arms of my husband who held me when I couldn’t cry anymore. Who rushed me to the hospital when I refused just to see if they could end some of the pain. Who has taken care of every detail, big and small, for the past 3 days. I haven’t even had to think of when I took my last medicine, who would take care of the kids and make them happy too. God has loved me through our friends and family bringing us dinner, gifts and a listening ear. People who love us to sit and cry with us. When I woke up to “Dora the Explorer” tucked under my arm that my 3 yr old put there while I was asleep. I am learning that sometimes God’s gifts may be different than we think they will be, or different than we would originally ask for, but they are no doubt His gifts. And I am thankful for them. I wish I could hold my baby in my arms one day, but I know God is holding me and my baby in His.